Saturday, April 09, 2011
My Heart is Growing. It hurts.
I'm using this blog as a journal, a place to spill my heart. I hope that's okay with you all! :) Part of me doesn't want to show anyone this side of me, but I also feel the need to be transparent. I hope it all makes sense! :P
I feel like my heart is bleeding. That probably sounds like the weirdest thing you've ever heard, but it's the best thing I could come up with. My soul aches.
I've been asking God for wisdom, like the Proverbs kind, just general wisdom and desire for the Lord. I've just been begging Him to teach me, to make me like Him, to open my eyes. I think He's started.
I see people everywhere, at Goodwill, on the street, in the grocery store, and my heart is hurting for them. I long for them to know the living God, to see His glory and His face. I can't do regular things anymore without thinking about it. I want to go take care of the orphans in South America. My heart is just hurting for them all. I am so amazed that He can see all of these things all of the time. How merciful He is to allow us to live and see Him.
I love Him so much it doesn't make sense- I've never seen Him physically or heard Him speak audibly, but He is breathing into my soul, and I love Him more than ever. I've begged Him to show me who He is. And I think I'm starting to see it, almost to the point that my spirit doesn't want to do anything else. He is giving me a heart that is almost unbearable, it's so emotional and I think He is just breaking my heart into a million pieces so that He can reshape it. I don't want to accomplish anything else in this life but to serve Him, to show others His glory, to meditate on His goodness.
I told you it was weird. I've just begged God to make me His, and He's shown me how nothing else matters but Him. It's strange how it makes life seem so futile. Normal things I take pleasure in are no longer satisfying to me, because they don't matter anymore. I can't even make it through a couple of worship songs without losing all my makeup.
He's starting to speak to me more often, telling me specific things to do- things I usually don't want to do, and somehow, I do them. He says go walk down the street and find that lady and walk with her, invite her to your house, or go talk to your dad right now, or do a Bible study in your neighborhood. He gives me the faith to obey. It's kind of starting to get easier. Well, except for tongue control. He's telling me sshhhh and I keep talking. Yeah. Not good. I might be getting a little better, maybe, but I have so far to go! I guess I'm not alone, as Proverbs and James both give it some significant time. I'm hoping that's the next thing He decides to work on with me. Internal attitudes too. That'd be awesome. :) Please pray that for me!
You guys, I love Him so much. I want to be a doer of the Word and not a hearer only. I want to run the race, run it hard, and finish well. Oh, I love Him. I love to worship Him. On one hand, I dearly love what I know so well- this earth and my husband, family and friends and the comforts of life, and then on the other I can't wait to kneel at the feet of Jesus with tears of joy running down my face, so glad to touch Him. No more sin, no more hurt, no more death.
This life is short, and I want to be able to say I'm ready to leave it behind at any time. I don't want to wait any longer to do the things He has prepared for me. He's been so faithful to His promises, and what He has started, He will see to completion. Please pray that He will continue working in my life and in yours, and that we will be obedient to Him.
Labels: living for God