Monday, August 20, 2012

on time and selfishness

I've found that Monday mornings start either really well, or really poorly. Is that the case at your house too?

This morning started really well. :D

The kids were asleep, and I had some great {quiet} study time. I even had plans for the morning- I was going to head out to the coffee shop to work on several projects and articles.

But it didn't work out that way. Because God is in charge. :)

You see, I've been praying all month about my character goal, generosity.

My goal this month was to give away something I love to someone who needs it.

And every single time I ask God to teach me something, He does.

No joke.

I have two or three specific things that God has laid on my heart to give away this month, which is exciting! I'm trying to listen and obey the Holy Spirit when it happens. The good news: it has happened, and is still happening! Thank you, Jesus!

The bad news: in the past 20 days, I've seen that I'm extremely selfish. And I'm particularly scrooge-ish when it comes to time.

This morning really brought that ugly fact to light even more.

I had these plans, and things had come up three days in a row that kept me from doing them. And this morning, it was one more thing. No coffee shop for me. I was needed at home.

In less than 30 seconds my to-do list became overwhelming, the anger and tears came, and with them, my joy went straight out the window. I slammed the door and cried on my bed. 

Yep. I'm 15 again. 

It was supposed to be "my" time...I was going to get stuff done...

Ah, the ugliness comes out so very fast. Grrr. 

My husband needed my time, and I wasn't willing to give it to him. I knew I {and he} had no choice, but out came the frustration and tears toward the man I love. The man who swept me off my feet just last weekend.

Oh Lord, when will I learn?

How many times will it happen? When will I get over myself?

I hate it.

The Pharisee gave out of his abundance, but the widow gave out of poverty.

Is it much of a sacrifice to give when I have plenty? 

Or is it a sacrifice to give when I need the thing I'm giving away?

I needed my time, and I wasn't willing to give it. 

Oh, Jesus, please forgive me. I hate seeing this sin. It's awful. How does it come out so easily?

Teach me generosity. Teach me to give when it hurts. Teach me to die to myself and my own desires.

Father, please teach me to sacrifice the thing I keep valuing the most: my time.

I want to give all of my life to you. Even when it means my silly little plans change. Thank you Lord for your mercy- thank you that you saved me while I was still a sinner, and that you won't let me go- that you keep giving me grace and mercy even when I screw up. You are SO good to me, Father.

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