the changing of seasons {and letting go of the future}

The weather changed here this weekend... in just a few hours, the air cooled and my heart might've  skipped a beat or two. :)

I love, love, love fall. I still get excited about the leaves falling, curling up on the couch with my coffee in the cool of the morning, the pumpkins, boot season {!}, and my birthday in October. In just five weeks, I'll turn 30. I was sad about it pretty much for the first 10 months of being 29, and now I'm excited again, because it represents this new season of my life. :)

my comfy morning devo spot, mess and all :D ...love...
We are going through lots of changes here, actually, and I think it's going to be really good.

I'm in this very weird place where I feel like my heart has stopped planning ahead like it used to.

Not very long ago, I was full of big ideas and goals of where I'd like to be next year or what I'd like to do or become in the next six months, and while I think those things are good, it feels like God is training my heart to wait for Him, because I have no idea what is next, and I don't even want to think about it any more.

I feel like life comes day by day, and month by month, and I don't want to plan what's next because I know what God has for me probably isn't what I had in mind. And strangely enough, I'm so happy about it.

We've had some doors open that allowed our kiddos to go back to their little school three days a week this year, and that is a huge blessing for us. It was totally unexpected, but it came at the perfect time. We're  now homeschooling on Mondays and Fridays, so it changes our daily schedule quite a bit during the week.

I think God revealed something about me through that situation- it was such a hard decision for me {not for my husband, though! lol! I'm so thankful for his leadership.}.

While I was praying about it, He showed me how I like to create a rules for myself that I define as "what God wants." Last year, without a doubt, was the year to homeschool full-time. 

But as these doors opened this year and my husband encouraged me that it was good for our family, I felt so worried that I wasn't doing what I was "supposed" to do. And as I was praying about it like crazy, God kind of whispered in my heart that I was making up my own rules of how to obey God, instead of listening to Him. Ick. I was setting the standard for what was "right."

The older I get, the more I realize that there is not just one way to do this life that is right before God {outside of Biblical mandates}. What is right for one person might not be the best thing for another person. What is right for us one year may not be right for this year. 

And that's okay, because we know the God who controls all of it. Every single bit of it. He gave us the Holy Spirit to guide us each day, and because of Him, we won't look the same as we used to, or the same as anyone else for that matter. {And we shouldn't all look the same, according to this sermon: Spirit Led Community}


I am the clay. I am not the potter. I don't get to decide what I look like. My design would never look like His masterpiece even if I did get to decide. 


I want what God's will for me- for my children, for my husband. So badly. So much it hurts. He's taken my heart to places I never imagined, and I know, I KNOW it only gets better the longer I walk with Him. I don't know how to explain the fact that I love someone so deeply whom I have never seen before. I've never touched Him, but I know He is there, leading me and walking me through this thing called life. I feel His presence. I hear His whispers in my heart.

I don't know what this life will look like anymore. I might die tomorrow. Really, I might. {okay, it would be creepy if I did die tomorrow, now wouldn't it...? ;)}

But I trust Him. I sometimes fear bad things happening when I let go and trust Him with all my heart, because I know He will take me through the fire at some point. And I'm scared of the fire, to be honest. But I pray over and over that God will give me the strength to make it through when it comes, and that I will be able to cling to Him instead of turn away. 

The moment I leave this earth, I don't want anything to be left in doubt. Every day, I want to give my heart to Him, and cast down my idols, and put away this horrid sin that keeps plaguing me in this body. He is doing some crazy tearing down of my idols right now, and I have to give Him all of the credit, because I've been holding on to them for many years.
source 
So when I look at my life right now, I can't look much past today. My plans are nothing compared to His, and I can't imagine what or when it might happen. I just know that He is there, and He won't leave me. He promised me that.

I don't know what will happen, but I'm excited about the fall- I'm excited about the changes that are coming {if God wants them to!}. I'm excited about the work He is doing in my heart, because He knows what is best for me. Every season I know He is there, and it makes my heart leap with joy to know that I will never be alone, no matter what happens. 

I can't wait to see what God will do in my 30's, but in the meantime, I'm enjoying every last moment of 29. 

Isn't it exciting to know the one true, and living God? He is more glorious than words can describe. Thank you, sweet Jesus, for the changing of the seasons.

23 comments

The Every Day Extraordinary said...

So true:) and thank you for sharing your heart! I'm not thinking too much about tomorrow either because if I learned anything this summer it is that my plans are not necessarily His...no matter how well intentioned or good they might be. I'm an October birthday too. Libra? And my thirties have been an eye opening experience. Especially the last two years...I will be 37 soon:) savor it all:)

mandyBH said...

Amen!!! thank you Amber! :D He is so so good to us!!

mandyBH said...

That's kind of what I feel like now- it's kind of like my life is in the present now! :) I'm excited and it's kind of a relief to let go of the what-will-happen-nexts. :D so glad to hear 30 was a good year! thank you for the blessings!

Trina Sigstad said...

This was so what I needed to read today! So, so true. I just love your blog!

holly said...

"I'm in this very weird place where I feel like my heart has stopped planning ahead like it used to." i can't wait to get there. i'm pregnant with our 3rd child right now and I feel like I am always thinking about when the kids are older, or when the baby gets here, or when we are debt free, or when when when. Living day to day is so much less stressful. Help me Lord!

Amber said...

Praise the Lord for your thoughts and words! God is good all the time.

Bethany said...

Mandy, thank you so much for posting this! It was exactly what I needed to hear today! :-)

Jenny C. said...

Oh Mandy,thank you for sharing your heart. You expressed my desire for God's will and plan to be accomplished in my life too. Knowing the Lord is everything to me. Blessings to you my sister in Christ, Jenny C.

Mary said...

Mandy, I'd be curious to know what your morning devo time looks like...especially with your focus on listening less than planning...what do you read? Do you journal or pray in that time? On your own or with your husband? I'm always wondering what works for other people!

Chrissy said...

Hi Mandy, I am new to your blog...but I am so glad I found it! Your blog today is so perfectly time for me!
"I am the clay. I am not the potter. I don't get to decide what I
look like. My design would never look like His masterpiece even if I did
get to decide." So good! Thank you for sharing your heart and being such an awesome woman of God.

Lisa said...

30 was a great year for me...I married my husband. 30 was also the year I became secure--I knew the boundaries of what I could (and couldn't) do, and no longer felt like I was 'figuring out' life, but enjoying the living of it...being who God created me to be. Hope you have a happy birthday.

fe enriquez said...

you had a lot of accomplishment in your 29 yrs. specially that you have a wonderful house and family. turning 30 is walking to a more matured life with the Lord. wishing you the best to come!

mandyBH said...

Oh thank you Trina! thank you for your sweet words!

mandyBH said...

Oh, I've been right there with you sister! I know exactly how you feel. I think some of life is just like that sometimes! Especially when you have big things looming like babies and debt. We were there exactly 5 years ago in fact. :) I think part of what is happening with me is because we don't have those big things looming right now, so don't worry- I have a feeling it will come in time, like it did for us! much love to you! :) It's a crazy journey, isn't it? :D

mandyBH said...

Oh, I'm so glad to hear that!! thank you for your sweet encouragement!!

mandyBH said...

Oh, it's so exciting to get to be sisters across the miles! Blessings to you, too, Jenny!! Oh, may He grant us our request! :) I know He will do it! {eek! :D} much love to you!

mandyBH said...

I think I might need to do a post on that! Someone else just asked me the other day. I'm actually a bit afraid it would be a disappointment to everyone though, because I just pray and pray and read the Bible on my own every morning, and don't do anything like special journaling or note taking or book reading in my time with God in the morning. It's been so, so good for me, but I don't know if anyone else would be interested in doing that? :)

mandyBH said...

Oh, thank you Chrissy!! I'm so thankful for your encouraging words!!! I'm so, so glad you're here! :D

mandyBH said...

That is so true, Fe! I love the way you put it! Thank you for the sweet wishes!!

Kimberly Sanchez said...

This was a beautiful post, Mandy. I always love reading your blog, and I know I rarely comment. However, I'm out there reading all your posts as they come into my email inbox. I felt especially encouraged by your post today, and I could feel the peace you have coming right through your words. Great job, and keep up the beautiful work!

Carly Rogers said...

Great post! I am really interested in how the part-time homeschooling works. If you are willing to share, what kind of school (private or public) do your kids go to? We are looking into whether something like this might work for us with our daughter, but our area doesn't have a lot of options for this that we are aware of.

Christy said...

Just a quick note to say that I really love this entry. I've never read your blog before, but my friend shared this entry on facebook, and I just go to it today. These words could have been my very own, but, I didn't realize that until you put it into words. Letting go is scary for this planner (in fact, my detailed and lovely organized daytimer flew off the top of my van this week. I've driven long roads looking for it, but to no avail), but it seems God is mercifully helping me release my fingers from the things I cling to in fear. Ah, the freedom the hear in what God is doing in your life, and the hope of His promise to do it in mine is cool water to my parched soul. Thank you for writing.

Kate said...

Thanks for this. I just turned 30 this year, not married, but engaged, pretty unsure what it is that God wants me doing right now but know He is prepping me for SOMETHING. I've never been so in-the-moment (in a good way) as I have been this year. I'm not sure what it is about turning 30, but it is definitely a milestone of some sort. Even Jesus started his "official" ministry at 30. Yes Lord, I'm ready too.